9 Drinks You Should’ve Abandoned When You Graduated College

We understand: Bitter IPAs and brown liquors, the current darlings of the booze-o-sphere, aren’t for everyone. By the same token, there are certain drinks that shouldn’t be drank by anyone, much less full-grown adult men. Here, nine drinks that you should’ve left back at Queen’s, Western, McGill—or wherever you went to school.

Green beer

We get it: It’s St. Patrick’s Day. And green beer’s a tradition. Nonetheless, any beer worth drinking doesn’t deserve the food-colouring treatment, which likely why you green vomit, too, is another Paddy’s ritual.

Brass monkeys

Yes, we know it’s the subject of a timeless Beastie Boys track. But we’ll be honest: As Boyz in the Hood as it feels to sip on an oversized bottle of Olde English, nothing can improve the taste of a 40-ouncer—not even orange juice.

Jello shots

Jello’s a frequent hospital menu item for good reason: It’s easily digestible for those who can’t handle solid food. So leave the Jello for the elderly and the infirm—and get yourself something you can sip on instead.

The Irish Carbomb

Chugging beer is a dicey proposition at best, but chugging Guinness—the gut-punch equivalent of a liquid turkey dinner—and a shot of Bailey’s ain’t charmingly Irish. It’s just gross.

Jagerbombs

Jager’s famous blend of herbs and spices was initially used as a cough medicine, which isn’t at all surprising, considering it tastes like… cough medicine. And trust us, if there’s anything that could perk up its licorice-gone-rotten flavour, it certainly ain’t Red Bull. Which leads us to the next point…

Anything with energy drinks

At best, you’ll stay up long enough to projectile vomit into someone’s bidet. At worst, you’ll be calling your closest for Xanax to calm down those heart palpitations. Listen, if you need Guarana to prolong the party, take this advice: Just go to sleep.

Liquid Cocaine

Terrible tasting shooters, like this ungodly mix of Jager, Goldschlager and Peppermint Schnapps, don’t put hair on your chest. They put vomit on your pants.

Boxed wine

The purple grill-and-space bag chapeau look isn’t something anyone pulls of well.

Coolers

We hate to pick on vodka cocktails, here, but if it’s sugary, dubiously fruit-flavoured and laced with something cheap and Russian, it’s probably meant for not-quite-drinking-age set. Sorry, Mike’s Hard Lemonade. If it’s vodka ye seek, opt for a Vesper in a martini glass. And thank us later.

Anything with sexual connotations

Blowjobs. Sex on the beach. Muffdive. A slippery nipple. It’s embarrassing enough saying these things out loud—now try ordering one from your waitress.

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Mark Teo

Mark Teo is a freelance writer based in Toronto, ON. He’s the current editor of AUX.TV, and you can find his writing—which usually focuses on arts, culture and pretty well everything in between—in Fast Forward Weekly, This magazine, Toronto Life, Sharp magazine and more. Send praise, death threats and free stuff to @excitement.

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