Are You Both The Player And The Romantic?

Above: Are you both the player and the romantic?
Above: Are you both the player and the romantic?

The player – he’s flighty and revels in the world of novelty, bouncing around from girl-to-girl like he’s a child in a candy store. This man is weak and feeble; he can’t control himself and his cravings to always try and obtain the next best thing. The romantic – he’s charismatic, kind, and goes the extra mile that most men don’t when it comes to wooing the object of his affection. This man listens intently, understands the way to her heart and doesn’t shy away from gestures that show he cares.

From the surface these two men come across as vastly different, but in many cases, they can fuse together into a multi-faceted man that demoralizes women. This man has much more to him than meets the eye – he’s her dream catch but also her greatest nightmare. He’s complicated – a disastrous mixture of good and bad. He can be a con artist of emotion, but he also can be painfully unaware of how much harm and confusion his actions are bringing her.

So here we’re going to breakdown what a man does to slot himself into this category, why it’s a woman’s greatest fear, and how you can avoid becoming this person altogether.

So who are the players and the romantics? These guys come in two forms: the malicious guy and the naïve guy.

The malicious guy

The malicious guy is a dual personality, an expert manipulator. He draws girls in just so he can squash their poor little hearts in conniving fashion. He’s the guy that chases girls just to say he got them, he sleeps with them just to cross them off the list, and he breaks up with them just to say he ended it first. He never has intentions to partake in relationships, but he wines and dines girls in ways that say to them otherwise. In short, he leads girls on time and time again. He does this by courting her – being sweet, complimentary, and showing her surefire signs that he’s the type of guy she’s always wanted to date. Yet when she’s not around, and he’s out with his friends, he’s always looking for the next addition to add to his roster. He gets a sick pleasure from getting girls to fall for him, but knows all along that he can’t give them what they want. This man is malicious because he knows exactly what’s happening, but he doesn’t speak up. He lets her fall for him, knowing that it’s going to result in nothing but shattering heartbreak for her.

The naïve guy

Then there’s the guy who’s painfully naive and ignorant about what he’s doing. He comes in a few different forms as well, depending on the situation and his history. There’s the guy that wants to commit, but just can’t bring himself to. He wants to find a relationship but doesn’t have the capacity for it. So he continues to romance women – perhaps even forcing himself to romance women he’s not even that into, but then he retreats and runs for the hills when things actually start to turn into something substantial. Then there’s the guy that just doesn’t seem to be aware how deep he’s getting with a girl, when her feelings are beginning to develop and she thinks they’re headed toward a relationship. His feelings are moderate and casual, while she’s beginning to fall for him. This is where good guys can get pinned as assholes for being careless with her emotions. Finally, there’s the situation where a guy might not be used to having options with women – for the first time in his life he’s being drawn in a million different directions by women who all want him. Without any prior experience in dealing with several women at a time, it’s no wonder he handles the situation poorly and girls get hurt. The thing about this guy is in most cases, he means well, but it’s lost on her through the muck of emotions. This guy drives women crazy because he’s passive and non-controversial, letting the situation build up to a point of no return. If only he could have been more assertive and dealt with the situation directly from the beginning, or been more aware of it, he could have prevented this mess from pilling up.

So why is this guy a woman’s greatest fear?

This guy is a woman’s greatest fear because it’s hard for them to see him coming, or admit to themselves that the guy they’re seeing is of this mold. He does enough good things that it outshines the potential hazard signs, or at least enough to justify them. This is a disastrous mixture as it leads women into the relationship, ready to be smoked like a deer in the headlights, when they soon find out the guy they instilled their trust in, was nothing more than the lethal paradox, the player-romantic. This is also magnified by the fact that a lot of women have a notorious habit of rationalizing a relationship in a way that allows them to get what they want. So if this guy they’re seeing is great when he’s with her, but flakey and distant when he’s not with her, it’s going to be easy for her to quickly dismiss her insecurities because he always does nice things for her and treats her well when they get together. She does this because she likes this guy that much, so she’ll do anything to keep him, even it means turning a blind eye and spinning the situation in a way that allows her to keep what she wants. So sometimes the guy is straight up malicious and shatters the girl like a fragile China plate without any forewarning, while other times the guy is a nightmare to try and read, or the girl purposely decides to ignore all warning signs.

So knowing this, how do you avoid becoming this guy?

Well, it’s good to be a romantic, but it’s a dangerous thing when you throw around your romance without understanding what you’re getting yourself into. If you show a woman signs that you’re potentially looking for a girlfriend, by way of taking her out to dinner, inviting her to a party your best friend is hosting, or buying her gifts on holidays, you have to make sure that’s really what you’re looking for. Don’t romance women just because you find it fun. Romance is an extension of your feelings. So to avoid becoming this guy, make sure that your feelings are always in coordination with your actions. You can do this by being self-aware of how you feel about the person you’re with, as well as being cognitive of her emotions. Understanding when her feelings are developing, or when there’s a large discrepancy between her feelings and yours. It’s called emotional responsibility. It’s what gentlemen do so well.

The thing about the standard player who’s blunt and chauvinistic is that women know where they stand with him. Women know this guy won’t try and deceive her because his player-ness is so obvious a blind woman from several miles away can detect it. So women treat this guy as nothing more than an attractive piece of scum they can be sure to avoid, or use for a quick bang if it’s been a while. The standard player is someone they can deal with on their own terms, and for that reason, he can’t hurt them. But the player-romantic is an absolute nightmare and breaks hearts because he tries to play two roles. His true identity is the ultimate camouflage, a villainous and disguised paradox – on the surface he’s her ideal boyfriend, but underneath the surface is a man who doesn’t know what he wants and can’t be depended on. That’s why it’s up to the men to be better, to be more aware of what they’re doing and making sure the foot they’re putting forward, is an authentic one. They have to decide if they can give the girl they’re seeing what she wants and deserves, and throw away their little black book once and for all, or they have to cut her loose and let her be free before everything blows up in her face. 

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Jamie Rea

Jamie Rea is a writer and web-entrepreneur based in Toronto. He specializes in writing about dating, relationships, lifestyle, entertainment, and culture. On top of his own blog creations The Brolog and Thoughts4Men, he also also heads up the writing team for the web-based Toronto company, Park Bench, as well as contributes regularly to the Thought Catalog based out of New York. His work has been published in various places such as vancitybuzz.com and theurbandater.com. You can follow along with his blogs – www.thebrolog.com and www.thoughts4men.com to read his stuff on a weekly basis.

1 Comment
  1. To the author of this article;

    Hats off!! Spectacular! I wanted to know what is wrong with me, and you described my behaviour at every turn. Now I can work on fixing my player-romantic personality. Thank you!

    I want to be romantic, and I start off that way, then I see it getting serious and I head for the hills. I have no emotional responsibility. I have hurt a beautiful soul and I will kick myself from now until forever, but at least now I know what to work on!

    Romantic

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