Sure Fire Ways to Get Dumped

Above: 5 easy ways to get dumped (Photo: Peter Bernik/Shutterstock)
Above: 5 easy ways to get dumped (Photo: Peter Bernik/Shutterstock)

Sometimes you find yourself in a “relationship” that happened so fast, you didn’t have the chance to pump the brakes. Your choices might seem limited at this point, and instead of just breaking up with the poor girl the old-fashioned way, you decide to do everything wrong, so she does the dirty work and gets rid of you instead. Either that or you just stop returning her calls. You, my friend, are a stand-up gentleman, and you probably don’t need any tips on how to remain single.

But, if being on the receiving end of a kick to the curb isn’t on your to-do list, avoid these guaranteed ways to get dumped.

Tell her that skirt makes her look fat… and she didn’t even ask

When a girl asks if she looks fat, the answer should always be an automatic, “No”. Saying yes to this question is a lose-lose situation for you, no matter what. It has come to the point where girls generally don’t ask guys this question anymore. They know you have been trained to say no, and that is what they want to hear anyway. Honesty is probably not the best policy in this instance.

So, if she is wearing a cool new outfit for girls’ night, and you tear your eyes away from the game for two seconds to say, “hey, you look a little chunky in that skirt”, expect serious consequences. I’m talking death glare, and possible tears, here. Don’t be surprised if you are woken up by her entire group of friends, pounding on your door with pitchforks later that night. Say things like this on a regular basis and you will be sleeping alone for pretty much the rest of your life.

Hit on her best friend… multiple times

If your girl has friends, then it’s pretty much a guarantee that at least one of them will be attractive. Your job as a decent guy is to acknowledge said friend’s attractiveness to yourself, and then move on. Nowhere in the universe is it ever acceptable to hit on your girlfriend’s (or even just your casual hook up’s) best friend. You don’t have a chance anyway, so why bother?

The only thing worse than you making the moves on her friends, is if you do it multiple times. This not only makes you look like a player with no self control, but a complete moron. Do you really think her friend isn’t going to tell her? Get real.

Ignore her texts all day… then booty call her after midnight

We’ve heard all the excuses. You were busy at work. You left your phone at home. Your battery died. We know when you are blowing us off, so don’t add insult to injury by miraculously remembering how to text when you are out at the bar, half in the bag. Unless it has already been established that you have that kind of relationship (the don’t-talk-just-bone kind), a late night booty call isn’t going to be well received.

There are exceptions to this rule of course. But just be prepared to be treated the same way in return. If you suddenly decide you want something a little deeper than that casual relationship you have worked so hard to forge, and she, whoops, leaves her phone at home, that’s just the way it goes. Karma, buddy.

Forget your wallet… every time

Yes, it is 2014, and no one is suggesting that you pay for 100% of every date. That being said, girls still appreciate when a guy offers to pay, especially on a first date. It is going to look pretty suspect if you “forgot your wallet,” because, you have 3 things to remember, your keys, your phone, and your wallet. How hard is that?

Most girls (of the gainfully employed, non-gold digging variety) are happy to pay for their half, and even treat you sometimes, if they actually like you. But if you never manage to pitch in for that $25 glass of wine you ordered, then you are going to be labeled CHEAP.  It won’t be long before she moves on to someone who doesn’t mysteriously have to use the bathroom every time the cheque comes.

Pick fights… and never apologize

Every couple fights. The problem comes when it becomes obvious that you are starting fights on purpose. Everything up until now, would fit nicely under this category, but girls are a forgiving bunch, so a sincere apology can often get you out of hot water pretty easily. If you refuse to admit you were wrong, and never say those two magic words (I’m sorry), then that may be the final straw.

If you want to be single, consider saving everyone a little time, and be single. Making her do your dirty work is pretty spineless, any way you slice it.

Courtney Hardwick

Courtney Hardwick

Courtney Hardwick is a freelance writer based in Toronto. Her work has appeared on AmongMen.com, 29secrets.com, therichest.com, and ELLECanada.com.  When she isn’t writing about relationships, and the best TV shows and books you should really already know about, she is working on her novel. She hopes to have it published by 2025. You can follow her on Twitter @Courtooo.

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